As I have been taking time away from twitter and pretty much life so that I could try to put some direction back in my life after what happened on October 29, 2011, I was listening to the radio when this song by the Four Tops was played:
`What Is A Man'...
A man can walk proudly,
Down in the street.
A man's not ashamed of what
he believes.
He knows how to laugh,
He knows when to cry.
He knows
how to live.
He's * NOT * afraid to die.
What is a man,
A man searches,
For the key to success.
He'd rather be sure,
Than
take a wild guess.
He knows how to love,
He knows how to hate.
He
knows when to move.
And he knows just when to wait.
What is a man, A
man can be angry, & still hold his tongue
A man don't give up
Till the
battle is won.
He knows how to win,
He's not ashamed to lose.
He
knows his destiny
is his alone to choose
What is a man?
Just what is a man?
It made me think about whether I am a man any longer or just a human being just trying to survive this existence without meaning. Before you panic, NO I am not going to kill myself or anything STUPID like that.
I am just trying to figure out the meaning of my life. I am a 43 about to be 44 year old caucasion gay male that is not in a meaningful relationship, working a go no-where job with the state and community college, struggling with a PhD program I really don't know if I want to stay in or not, and in so much debt - it hurts to think about.
I thought I was doing the right thing about what happened on October 29th, but people thought I was making the entire event up just to get attention, but if they even stood in my shoes for even a fraction of the time and went thru what happened to me, they would change their fucking minds. They are probably the same people that would turn around and tell me that "it was my fault" if I did file charges but I can not put myself thru the hurt and pain of what happened that night ever again and by filing charges, I would be forced to relive the torment all over again. These people that think I am just an "attention seeker" can go to fucking hell and rot for all I care because until they experience what I went thru, they will never know the anguish I went thru.
For the people that have been supportive of me from Twitter, "THANK YOU" for your support; you know who you are without me having to mention names. I am fucking sick of people who keep trying to tell me what to do and that I am doing the wrong things. This is MY life and MY responsibility to figure out what is best for it; YOU GOT THAT - MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLES - no one's but MINE.
I realize that it is going to take me a long time to figure things out before I will ever be happy again, but I am sure as hell going to try.
Hard to believe that one simple song would cause me to truly think about my life and whether or not I have what it takes to be a man. After all, "What Is A Man"..........
